dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
