Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
