Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
