I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Even my vagina gasped.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
