i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
