Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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