I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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