All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
