The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
