I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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