Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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