You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
