My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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