Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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