Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
