To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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