There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
