If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
