some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
