I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
