did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
