Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I AM VODKA MAN
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
