You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
