im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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