We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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