Umm I'm too high to move.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
