Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
