dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
