I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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