You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Can I color on your dick again?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Drunk is a universal language darling
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