I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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