Apparently you make a good broom.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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