Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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