I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
