we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
