eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
