The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Randomize
