Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
