I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
