Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
