i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
