apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
