Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
