I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
