Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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