I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
