you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
