Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
