You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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