pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
